motherhood

Today was one of those days... 

Sometime you just have to sit back and laugh.  Things are not really that bad even though you feel like you are at the center of the storm.  Let me explain:

This morning I got up after a restless night due to events out of my control and a son that refused to be still.  He awoke at about 4 in the morning and began singing and talking with himself. No matter how many times I told him that he needed to be quiet, he just couldn't do it.  *Note to self: Put Nathaniel in bed with one of his sisters so he can bother them and not me.  The morning was of course disorganized and hectic.  I had phone calls to make, breakfast to get ready, kids to get dressed and lunches to get made.  While it might seem that this is like any other mother's morning, I have yet to mention the part about how I had a doctor's appointment today.  The kind where they order blood work so you have to fast.  This means no breakfast for me and more importantly, NO coffee.  After I got the kids off to school I took a drive and went to Mass.  This was absolutely the highlight of my day.  A little piece of quiet in a world of chaos.  Plus as an added bonus I am the youngest person there.  After Mass I went home and tried to not think about how hungry, tired and cranky I was.  Finally I went to my appointment and all seems to be well.  Results on the blood work will be done quickly and then I will have more answers.  Next was lunch and then the grocery store.  They of course did not have the one item I actually needed, but oh well, I do live in the middle of no where.  Groceries successfully put away and food in belly, off I went to pick up the kids.  We did not go straight home.  That would have been too easy.  My oldest has a sleepover/birthday this weekend so I had to get the most fabulous gift for my daughter to give her.  Because God forbid if she did not take the best present in the whole wide world.  I think it might ruin her socially for the remainder of her school life.  After a trip to Barnes and Noble, complete with a Chai Latte for me (duh, did you think I was going to drive all the way out there and not make it worth MY while?)and a near loss of my youngest (he was in the bathroom) we were back in the car to make the drive home.  Not a quiet ride.  Someone was either screaming at a sibling, asking to play a certain CD or singing along to said CD.  Once there, let the cleaning commence.  I managed to get two loads of laundry through, the kitchen swept and mopped, dinner cooked, dishes done, the house vacuumed, and the girls glued to the table to finish homework. 

Phew!  I took the day off from work and I am more tired today than I usually am!  Right now I am working on getting showers done and jammies on.  Hopefully they will finish in time for bed.  Then I will get online and talked with best boyfriend in the world on Skype.  Which by the way, is what I believe to be the best way to end the day. 

a sense of time

This week is absolutely the slowest week ever.  I have had plenty of work to do so that I am busy during the day and of course the kiddos keep me occupied at night, but geez.  I feel like I am moving at a snail's pace.  I was looking at the calendar and trying to put things into perspective and it just seems like nothing is moving.  I have a timeline in my head of when things are going to happen so that it breaks the bigger chunks into small manageable ones.  Even that is not really helping anymore.  How come when you don't want something to hurry up and happen, it is here in the blink of an eye?  Remember when we were younger and school took forever and summers just flew by?  So here I am feeling like Christmas can't come fast enough and Abby is saying how it is "only" three months away.  It feels like eternity to me. 

So I finally got my Claddagh!  I was so happy to get it, I just wish that he could have been here to give it to me.  I was able to call him when I pulled it out of the mailbox and open it with him on the phone though.  I love him and I could not have asked for a better present.  There is a funny story that goes with it though...  So when I gave him my ring size, I gave him my left hand and not my right hand.  Silly me.  When I put the ring on for the first time, it was a little tight because apparently my right is slightly bigger than my left.  I did not think much of it because once it was on, there were no issues with it being tight.  Later that night I thought I would take it off and see how it looked on my left.  There was a small struggle and a little soap, but it came off.  Low and behold it fit perfectly on my left.  I admired it for awhile and then squeezed it back onto my right.  The next morning I went to work and wanted to show one of the guys my ring and was talking about how it fit better on my left.  I wiggled it off with soap and cold water.  After I was done showing it off I smooshed it back on to the objection to one of the other guys in the office.  By the time night rolled around my knuckle and finger were so irritated they were swollen.  Now I had to take it off.  I tried and tried, but nothing worked.  Finally I gave up and went to bed.  I was awoken at midnight to some pain in my finger so I drug myself out of bed to try again.  I used a gallon of soap and a tray of ice cubes but nothing worked.  I was even holding my hand in the air in hopes that the blood would fall down and I would be able to take it off.  Still no.  I gave up again and decided that I would try one more time at work today and if it didn't work a trip to the jewelers was in my future.  I really did not want to have to cut it off!  At work today at about ten I went into the bathroom and yanked and pulled, pushed and pried until finally after about 15 minutes and a few tears it was off!  Let's just say that it will not go back on my right hand until it is properly sized.  I know it does not really belong on my left hand but I am taken and actually having it there will make it easier for random guys to know that.  Oh and of course once it was off everyone had all kinds of suggestions on how to get a ring off that is stuck.  A little too late, gentlemen...  End of the story is my ring and my finger are intact and I am still very happy to wear it.  <3  I love my woobie and him giving me this ring gives me something to look at every second of the day to remind of how much he loves me and how much I mean to him.

spinning up while winding down

This weekend has been full of organizing and cleaning once again.  I managed to get down to Goodwill to donate the stuff from last week that was weeded out.  Felt good to clear out the Jeep.  Didn't last long though!  I came home and went through Victoria's room which wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  She tends to try to save every little piece of paper and trinket so there was a lot of trash but only two bags went into the Jeep for donation.  Then I got a burst of energy and ended up buried in the laundry room!  I have a pretty big laundry room that doubles as storage since it gets so cold here I can't store a lot in the garage.  I actually thought I was on that pickers show going through a bunch of crap trying to find the treasures.  I got through about 3/4 of it.  I know there is still more that can be done, but I had to stop to keep some sense of sanity.  My porch is full of trash to go out on Wednesday and my Jeep is full again.  There is also a Christmas Tree in my garage waiting in line to be donated.  There was absolutely no room for it!  Most of the stuff will go to the kid's school so hopefully I will empty it out tomorrow and will have room for more.  When all is said and done after this weekend there is a closet, my room, the bathroom and what is left of the laundry room to go.  Hopefully I will be done next weekend.

Life without Vinny is hard to explain.  I am getting used to him not being here, but at the same time there is definitely something missing.  I am fine all day keeping myself busy then when I talk to him at night, I am reminded of the distance between us.  Being in the bed alone is hard.  I want so bad to be with him already!  There is still stuff to do at both ends to prepare for us coming and he says he wants to wait to see if he gets into his school.  I just wish I had a firm timeline. 

Good news is that I am finally getting my birthday present this week!  He ordered it and he says it should be here on Monday!!!  I don't know what it is, but I have my suspicions...  <3  I will post it on FB as soon as I can.  That is if it doesn't suck!!!  Anyway, when the day is done everything feels like it is working the way it is supposed to.  I haven't felt that way in a while.  It is all falling into place.  Lately I have been hearing the scripture that talks about how God has plans to grow and proper not to harm.  Everything for a reason, right?  I know that I have been running across this multiple times because it is exactly what I need to hear.  He has plans for me and I just need to be patient.  It sure is hard though!

is it time yet?

This week has been really hectic.  With losing Monday I had to work double time to catch up along with a few more added responsibilities.  I know I can do all the work that they have been giving me plus still take care of my regular duties, it's just exhausting.  Oh well, nothing  I can do about it now.  It at least makes the time go by really fast and that is definitely a good thing.

The kids are keeping up on homework...  so far.  Abigail really wants to do a good job this year.  I gave her a practice spelling test tonight and she got them all correct the first time!  Victoria has been studying for a capitols test coming up.  They have multiple times to take it, but she wants to finish it up as soon as possible.  Less for her to worry about she says.  Nathaniel has continued his "wrong choice marathon".  He has now moved to the back of the classroom because he won't stop talking to his neighbors.  Actually, and I know that no one will believe this, but I had the exact same problem.  All my report cards used to say that I was an excellent student but that I chatted a little too much.  Personally I think he is running for office and talking up his constituents is important.  :)

Vinny is doing well.  He moves into the rent house in South Carolina on Friday.  It is a very nice place in a very good location with very good schools.  All in all it is a very good thing.  I love him so much and I just can't wait to be free of all the drama of us being together here.  Even though he is gone, I still have to deal with it.  There is always the question of whether or not I am following him and honestly it is none of their business. 

I haven't gone through anything else in the house since Monday.  Just not enough time for me to really go through things.  I will start on Abby's room on Saturday.  Or maybe I will go down there right now...  I feel like throwing some kid stuff away!  But don't we always?

JUNK!

Since I have been left to my own devices, I have decided that I should work on cleaning out all the junk in my house.  I started downstairs on the "rec room"...  reorganized the books, games, movies, etc...  It took the better part of the day but I was able to finish it.  I hauled 4 bags of trash out that area and I honestly don't know how there is even anything left.  It felt good to get that stuff out though.  Yesterday I was putting away my son's laundry and flipped out when I walked into his room!  There was just too much junk everywhere.  So I put the clothes down and called for reinforcements!  Abby was the only brave soldier that showed up though.  Anyway I dug myself in and 3 more bags of trash and 2 big boxes of donations later, I was finally finished.  I won that battle!!!  His room looks so empty but he has actually been in there more playing with his toys.  Probably because he can find them and actually reach them now.  I don't even want to think about what the girl's rooms are going to be like...  It makes me dizzy just thinking about it.  Today I was feeling pretty good and so there is this closet that really bothers me upstairs.  I attacked that one too!  A couple more bags of trash out of there, AGAIN I have no idea where this stuff is coming from!  It makes it sound like my house has been full of trash all over the place.  Those of you that know me, know that there is no way that there would be that much clutter laying around.  I have just decided that if I don't need it, out the door it goes!  There is a move on my horizon and I really don't want to be packing ANYTHING! 

my favorite day

Sunday.  It has been my favorite day of the week for a while now.  Church with the family, relaxing on the couch and then a good supper.  There is nothing like laying on the couch with your honey and taking an afternoon nap...  Well now things are not the same.  So let's figure out a new routine! 

Today we got up and went to church earlier than we would have.  Try 0815!!!  It was actually quite packed for being so early.  We sat upstairs in the choir loft to kinda change things up and I like it up there.  More so because it was chilly this morning and since hot air rises, it was warm!  After mass we went into town and picked up Vinny's mail and went grocery shopping.  Mostly just fresh produce and stuff for lunches.  I guess I should have planned something for tomorrow for a bbq, but I can barely think about the rest of the day, much less tomorrow.  Anyway we came home and I made lunch and got dinner on for tonight.  It's a start!

This morning as we were walking into mass Abby turned to me and said, "Mom, we should pray for Vinny today".  Then at the grocery store she told her siblings that she hoped we got to move so that Mom and Vinny could be together again.  She is such a sweetie...

the first week of school!

This marks the first week of school!  Okay, so there were only two days in that week, but still to the kids it was monumental.  They managed to get to their respective classrooms and settled in with their friends on the first day.  The girls of course were full of hugs and giggled with girlfriends.  Nathaniel on the other hand was a different story.  First of all I simply can not believe that my wee little man is in the First Grade!!!  So I drop him off in his classroom with lots of hugs and kisses.  Before I left I told him to please make good choices and not to get in trouble the first day of school.  He promised me that he would not.  Of course in true Acorn style as soon as both myself and the teacher left the room he was already getting into stuff he wasn't supposed to!  To top things off when I picked him up the girls informed me that he had been sent to the principal's office by the computer teacher.  In a way I was frustated, but at the same time I was relieved.  No matter how old he gets and no matter what grade he is going into, he is still going to be my Acorn.  Some things never change.

This also marks our first week without my woobie...  It has been rough, I am not going to deny it.  I am sure that no one is surprised by that either - the way that I carry on sometimes.  Anyway, with each passing day things get a little bit easier.  I am staying busy at work and home so that I don't really have time to sit down and mope.  Sometimes I feel like I could do without the extra responsibilities at work, but hopefully I won't be there forever.  At home I am going through every single corner of the house getting rid of stuff and just making things organized.  I suppose you could say that I am doing my spring cleaning in the fall.  It feels so good to get rid of stuff.

Skype helps quite a bit as well.  It is nice to see his face and hear his laugh...  I do miss him terribly but hopefully he will be out soon.  There is talk of possibly October, but for sure November so actually it won't be too long.  Hopefully the time goes by quickly! 

All in all it has been a decent start to September!

6 days

As much as I would like for these last days to last forever, they seem to be flying by.  If I could stop time I would.  Today I spent most of the day running errands in preparation for him to leave.  Preparing to say goodbye.  How am I supposed to plan a going away function for someone that I don't want to go away?  I guess at work they figure that since we are dating that I would want to.  Well guess what, not really.  It has been way too much work and the "good idea fairies" are running amock causing more work than it needs to be.  Wouldn't it be great if we did this and wouldn't it be great if we did that... hey, Vanessa why don't you see if you can make that happen by Monday.  Uffda. 

On the emotional side, I am doing okay today.  A lot better than I have been anyway.  When he got home from work today I realized that I still get butterflies in my stomach.  When I see him walking up or even just his car coming down the street towards the house, I can't help but smile.  My man is home.  He really is amazing...  He even ate the dinner I cooked which consisted of leftovers thrown into a pot and then plopped on plate.  The kids loved it and it really wasn't that bad, but just the fact that he didn't hesitate to grab a bowl and serve himself was nice.  He does it because he loves me.  I know he love me every day that we are together.  It's the small moments like when he came around the corner outside our building and he had a granola bar for me.  I know it seems silly, but he knows I like them and those are the things that mean the most.  Even right now as I type this in my bedroom, he is in the other room spending time with the kids and making sure that they are doing what they are supposed to.  So maybe now I am a little more emotional than  I was when I first sat down, but it's because he really is the most wonderful man. 

He is driving me crazy with this Monday event though.  He has been so nosey, I told my boss that he has been in and out of my office more these past two days then he has the whole time I have been there.  I finally had to close my door to keep him out and then he STILL came in one more time.  He says he is not being nosey but I know better.  He is looking for some random clues.  He already managed to figure out that we are doing something (courtesy of our garrison commander) but he does not know everything.  Well hopefully with all the planning that I am getting sucked into doing, all goes well.  But just like my one pot dinner, I know that no matter how things turn out - He will love it, because he love me.

a week away

Today marks one week left with the most amazing man that I have ever had the pleasure of being with.  He has truly made my life complete and now it is time to say goodbye.  Over the course of our relationship we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what life throws our way we have been able to handle it together and come out the other side stronger and even more in love.  He is not only my lover but he is my best friend.  We have laughed together, cried together, celebrated together and of course partied together!  He knows how to bring me out of my funks when I am acting stupid.  Even the day to day stresses are lightened by his antics.  I can't tell you how many times I have been pantsed! 

There was a time that I thought that I would never find someone that made me feel complete.  As far as I was concerned my son was going to be the only man in my life.  My three kids were all I needed and no man was going to live up to my standards so why even try.  Sure, I went out on dates, but no matter how successful or how cute they were, I wanted nothing to do with them.  I had been burned too bad by my marriage to even think about entering into another relationship.  Then he came along.  Here I was minding my own business trying to make in on my own in the cold of Wisconsin and along comes this random guy that perhaps I could be interested in.  When we first started talking I knew we were going to be great friends.  I was even willing to forgive him for being an Eagles AND a Phillies fan.  It wasn't until the first date that I knew this one was going to be different.  For starter's I actually wanted to see him again and that had not happened in years.  The rest is history...  Our history. 

Then there is our future -

What does the future bring?   I have no clue.  He is leaving not because he wants to, but because he has to.  That is the life of an Army Officer.  I knew this going to happen and I should have been more prepared for it.  I don't know if you really can though.  Now the question is what to do next.  I want to stay with him, but circumstances are keeping me here.  I don't know when I will be able to follow him or if I will even be able to at all.  I know he wants me there and he is always telling me that it is going to be alright and that the separation is not going to be very long, but I am a realist and I know better.  Okay so maybe it is the scared little girl in me that is preparing for the worst to prevent the pain from being completely unbearable.  I want nothing more than to be with him. 

For now I am just trying to enjoy this last bit of time that I have with him and make sure that every moment counts.  This time next week I will be by myself again.

updates updates....

As usual I have found myself too busy to keep up with this blog.  It's too bad really because I always find myself in a better place once I have typed out what is swimming around in this crazy head of mine.  So let's see where to start...

The kids went to stay with their dad for three weeks which was absolute heaven!  They seem to have had a good time and that is all that really matters in the end.  While they were gone, myself and Mr. Big had some ups and downs of our own.  We were able to have some real quality time of our own and he took me to Chicago for my birthday.  It was while we were there that we got the news that his dad passed away.  Off to Philly for a week...   It was hard, but at the same time it was good for him to be surrounded by people that he loves and love him in return.

So now for the stuff that keeps me up at night:

I don't know how to tell him, but I am starting to think that moving to South Carolina with him is not such a good idea.  He said something to me the other night and while it should have made me go "awww...", instead it made me go "hmmm..."   Ok, so what did he say?  He said that he looks at us as his little family.  It means a lot to me that he would look at my children with love and consider us that tight of a unit to consider us a family.  HOWEVER, this can only lead me to one cliche - Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  There needs to be a line drawn in the sand that he has to cross in order to call us his family.  The problem lies in how do I tell him?  Let's take this very moment for instance, I feel like I should call or text him that he should stay home for the rest of the week so that we can have some time apart, but I don't even know how to start that conversation.  I don't want him to think that there is anything wrong, but in all actuality there is.  Is it that I am feeling rushed or that I am trying to push him away so that I don't get hurt.  I have never known love like this, that is one thing that I am sure of.  It's funny because I am consistently losing my train of thought as I keep leaning back and letting my mind wander on this situation.  I have to admit that at the end of every thought process lies the same result - me telling him good bye.

Things moved quickly and I wasn't ready for all this.  All these emotions are too much for my still damaged soul to take.  I am forever riding the roller coaster, getting to high very slowly, click by click and then barreling down into the lows at speeds to fast to measure.  My emotions can't handle the abuse much longer.  A clean break is what I need.  I know that's not going to happen.  Whether we say good bye simply because he is leaving for South Carolina or we say good bye because I have decided that I want off the ride, it's going to be hard.  The stupid part is, I don't want to say good bye at all!  I want things to stay just how they are so that all the pressure would be lifted.  I want to feel free with him.  No timelines, no expectations, just the two of us having a wonderful relationship that is allowed to grow in it's own time.

getting just us back

So the other night "she" called again... 3 times.  And a text message.  I finally put my foot down and told him that it was time to block her.  While we worry about her blowing up and going slightly more insane than she already is, it is nice to know that she can call anymore.  Peace of mind is a good thing.  I am sure that we will run into her in Philly, but that's ok.  She is just going to look like a fool while I laugh at her.  It's so nice to think of her sitting at home trying to call and not getting through.  I am sure that she will try to call from another phone and then there will be a nasty message, but again let her.  I will just sit back with my Mr. Big and laugh at how stupid she is.

Today was a long day at work...  it seemed to drag on and on and I honestly thought that it was never going to end.  There were even a few moments of sadness that required quiet time outside.  It has just been so dreary outside that it is hard to to become gray like the clouds.  That was today.

Tonight was magical.  I came home and cooked dinner while Victoria helped Abigail with her homework.  Nathaniel didn't get into anything and there was minimal complaining by all.  We sat down together and enjoyed our meal and each other's company.  As we began shower routine, Nathaniel came up to me and asked if we could dance.  I suggested that we should put Pandora on the computer because absolutely I would love to dance with him.  We slow danced around the living room to Michael Buble's rendition of Dream a Little Dream.  He has become quite the little dancer and has learned a few new moves so that we did not just sway and twirl over and over again.  It was absolute heaven.  By the third song, the girls were in the living room taking pictures and asking to join in.  We all had a turn with everyone and smiles reached from ear to ear.  Sometimes it is nice to slow down and enjoy the small things in life.  These moments with my babies are fleeting, not to mention few and far between.  In the hustle bustle of life I forget to slow down if even to just breathe.  My hope is that when they grow up the will look back and, yes, say Mom was strict, but remember how we used to dance in the living room, read stories and laugh till we cried.  We should have more moments like that, their childhood is only once.  Not only will they grow up but they will go away...  Right now it seems so difficult doing things on my own, I feel out numbered ALL the time.  Some days, most days, I feel like all I do is yell.

Nights like tonight remind that even though I will probably lose all my hair and perhaps even be committed a few times, the little people in my life are special.  They are all mine to hold, kiss, love....

what happens when the high ends?

I know, I know...  I already posted today.  I was going back through my blogs, more specifically the hidden ones and the first ones I talked about Mr. Big.  I find it ironic that one of the things I found attractive about him was that he did not have any crazy exes.  OH but he does...   She will never know it, but I think about her all the time.  It does not help that she calls every few days and texts him along with trying to reach out to him on Facebook.  I know I should not let her affect me like this, but it is getting increasingly hard to keep my cool.  I want to be strong and secure, but the weak and self-conscious little girl in me will not be ignored.  She is screaming to be let out to cry and beg for this to all stop.  I know that he is not going to leave me for her, don't get me wrong in that aspect.  I'm just tired.  Tired of seeing the phone go off and it's her, tired of him lying when I ask if she called and he tells me no, tired of how this is affecting everyone.  I know he isn't talking to her and that he tries to hide her contacting him because he knows it upsets me.  The simple fact remains that WE are having to change our lives and behavior because of this stupid, stupid girl.  Why won't she go away???!!!  I would love to pick up the phone and let my sweet southern draw tell her "Bless your heart, Hun"  Part of me wants to message her and tell her to cease and desist.  It has gotten to the point that her young daughter is trying to reach out to me as well.  She left me a message on Mr. Big's phone and also poked me on Facebook.  Doesn't this crazy heifer see that she is affecting everyone around her?  I don't want this wench to get her way, but the longer it goes on, the more I have to hold in and then inevitably the crazier I become.  When we go home for the wedding, I know she is going to show up.  She has become desperate and desperate women are unpredictable.  Unpredictable people are dangerous, let's just hope she isn't PMSing along with it.  Here is my perfect little universe being disrupted by some dumb hooker butt all the way in Philly.  I hate that this bothers me at all and then I hate that I am thinking about it so much that I am actually putting it in my blog.  Part of me is afraid that Mr. Big will find this and freak out.  But then if he finds this maybe it is for the better because up till now I have not been able to say exactly how much this gets to me.  I have been trying to be the cool and calm girlfriend while all the time inside I want to scream out.  I suppose if he did get upset with me then maybe that is for the best too.  I would like to think that he values our relationship enough to take care of business and  make sure she can't ever bother us again.  OK, so that just sounded like he should take a hit out on her.  Let me just say right now, I in no way wish her any harm.  Now, that being stated, if she shows up anywhere we are while we are in Philly and my hand should accidentally high five her face, that is a totally different thing.  So if anyone out there should stumble upon this post, advice would be good.  Prayers too, lots of them.

Easter and stuff...

Easter Sunday was lovely.  We spent the day together as a family and had a delicious dinner!  I made collard greens, which I have never made before...  they came out pretty good, but I think I could make them better next time.  There were sweet orange carrots, potato bacon torte and of course HAM!!!  This was our first holiday spent with Mr. Big so that made it so much more special.  Although I missed my family tremendously, it was an altogether nice day.  The girls got bikes from the Sparta New and Used store and I have to say they were such great sports about not getting new ones.  They were very excited and when I told them not to expect anything Easter morning, they were perfectly OK with it.  They have both grown beyond the idea that a big white rabbit comes hopping along and deliver Easter baskets.  Nathaniel on the other hand, still believes so his bike was delivered appropriately.  I planted it on the back deck and when we left for Mass he saw it.  He was so excited!  There he was in his 3 piece suit begging me to ride it.  They spent pretty much the rest of the day outside while I cooked. 

It is only 10 more days until I go home with Mr. Big for his brother's wedding!  I am so excited to take this trip with him, but very nervous at the same time.  I didn't meet the donor's family until after we were married so it wasn't a big deal at all.  I am sure that all will be fine and I will survive the weekend.  We will be going to a Phillies game Friday night, his godson's first communion Saturday morning, the wedding Saturday afternoon/evening and then Sunday is Mother's Day.  We get in late Thursday night and leave out Sunday night so it will make for a packed couple of days.  I really am delighted to be able to see where he is from.  Just another peek into my wonderful man's world.

I will drive about 4 hours to meet the kid's Aunt Laurie so she can take them for the time that I am gone.  I can't thank her enough for helping me out.  I know the kid's are excited to spend time with her too!!!

Well Monday is pretty much done...  hopefully the rest of the week goes by this quickly.

i thought it was supposed to be spring!

I could have sworn the April is supposed to be the beginning of Spring!  Not so much here...  We got a snow storm this weekend that dumped about 6 inches of snow.  Then because it was in the low 30's it was super wet.  Slush, slush everywhere!  A lot of it has melted now but it definitely makes for wet and yucky days. 
The kids are all doing good, but I have to specifically talk about Victoria.  A couple of days ago she came to me and told me that she had something to tell me but she didn't want to.  My interest peaked I stopped all that I was doing and asked her what it was.  She then proceeds to tell me that she now has a boyfriend!  What happened to my little baby girl???  The boy's name is Dalton and from his picture he looks to be like an OK kid.  I asked her if they are doing anything like holding hands and she immediately replied "MOM!  NO!"  She told me that they have a lot of conversation and laugh all the time.  She thinks that being able to laugh with the person that you are with is very important.  I told her that it most certainly is.  I would like to think that she is learning that from me and Mr. Big since her dad and I didn't do much of that.  So anyway after this conversation I took her to get new kicks.  Next thing you know the shoe salesman is telling me that she is a size 6 in womans!!!  Seriously?  Where did my baby go???!!!  She is growing up so fast and next month she will be 10.  The beginning of double digits...  All I can do is hope that she grows into a respectable and contributing young person.  I wish nothing but happiness for her and as long as she has that, I think that I might have done what I was supposed to.  Everyday I just hope that I make all the right decisions to give her the tools she needs to succeed in life. 

the longest week ever

This week seemed to drag on and on and on and on and on....   I was beginning to think that Friday would never come!  Well it finally did and it was not the Friday that I was expecting.

I have a project due Monday and had not really started it yet.  Well I sat down in a room away from my office where I knew that I would not be interrupted and started in.  It was quiet which was nice but I still did not finish everything that I wanted.  Looks like I might be working through the weekend on it.  Or at least that is what I am going to tell myself. 

Last night was especially taxing emotionally.  It has to do with Mr. Big's ex and her drama that she bring his way.  Well now she is tryig to reach out into my little world out of what I can only assume is desperation.  Don't get me wrong, he has done nothing wrong and it was all her acting like an insane person.  Anyway it was a real test of my patience and actually my commitment to him.  I do have to admit I said a lot of words in spanish that I have not used in a long time.  At one point, Victoria told me she was glad that she dosen't understand spanish!  I told her, me too!  I got through it and have decided that I am not going to stoop to her level.  Not that I didn't think about doing it though!  I would get into what exactly happened but she is not worth me rehashing it.

I was expecting to spend the weekend alone since he was going to a wedding back home, but work got in the way and he missed his flight.   While I am happy to have him with me, I was thoroughly prepared and had planned on spending the weekend alone.  On to plan B!  Perhaps we can see a movie tomorrow with the kids.  I really do feel bad that he was not able to go home. 

I am really going to try and keep up with this silly thing.  I know I have said it before but it is nice to have a place where you can write everything down.

i'm back!

So here I sit, or should I say lay, on my couch.  The last time I posted was on Valentine's Day and that was over a month ago!  I really should keep up on this blog.  So here is the short and skinny of what has been going on here in the cold north of Wisconsin:

The kids are doing well in school!  Even little Abigail seems to be getting it together when it comes to her homework.  Her teacher even sent home a note saying how good she is doing!  Far cry for the negative that I have been getting from her for the past few months.  On the recommendation of the director of School Age Services on post, I purchased an accordion folder for her to keep track of all her work.  At the last parent-teacher conference that I had with her teacher we had discussed that if this worked we would try to work something out for her desk as school as well.  I suppose I will know for sure when her next report card comes, but I definitely have seen her really trying to conquer that mountain and she seems to be succeeding!  Victoria is getting to be quite the tween!  She has lots of attitude and the eyes rolls are excessively abundant...  I try to keep my patience with her, but geez if this is a preview of what is to come, I am going to have my hands full!  Other than that, grades are good and she is growing into quite the young lady.  Nathaniel is the same.  Mom's little baby and story teller extraordinaire!  He has decided to go with the "white-walled, high and tight" hair cut and even though I had my reservations, it is growing on me and is actually pretty cute. 

On the relationship side of things, everything is going well.  I am going home with him for a wedding in May so that is good.  Truth be told, I am extremely nervous!  The ex and I never met each other's families before we got married and come to think of it never even really did the whole courtship thing in general.  All of this is so new to me, it's scary.  I know he loves me and of course I love him.  Our lives are progressing so smoothly and as he always says, "it is so easy."  I never knew that a relationship could be like this.  Of course I still have my issues which I have discussed in previous blogs so I am not going to revisit them.  I am working through them and I find that with each week that passes by, it gets easier.  He makes it so.  <3

Speaking of easier, it is getting to a whole lot easier to survive up here by myself.  As I like to say...

Work is easy, Pay is good, My boyfriend is hot and The beer is cold!  You really can't ask for much more than that....

valentine's day

Today is Valentine's Day!

It is amazing how when you have someone to share it with, how it takes on a whole new meaning.  This year I am very grateful to have Mr. Big in my life to make this day truely special.  He makes me feel loved everyday, but as a female, having this special day makes it even that more wonderful. 

Even the kids are enjoying it a little bit more than usual.  It is definitely a good day.  I love them and everything that I do is for them.  Despite the hair pulling and many glasses of wine, they are the joy in my life.  I would be nothing without them.

The day has just started and by the end of the day I expect that I will be posting on here again.  I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, a direct result of the amazing life that I have.  Even though it is a commercial holiday, Valentine's Day is giving me a day to be grateful for all the love I have in my life.

hidden

So if you are reading this post you have discovered that not all my blogs make it on to Facebook.  There are some that are more for me than for anything else.  If you should stumble across these then that means you are actually paying attention and I suppose that it is acceptable that you should read them.  Please try to not take them too literally because they are what I am feeling at that exact moment and being that I am known to be somewhat emotional, chances are that my feelings will change.  With this disclaimer written, I would like to continue on from the previous hidden blog.

I had a rough day that day, that is for certain.  I actaully had a trying night before that day as well.  There are things in our lives that happen for a reason and I think that it has become clear to me now.  I have to learn how to trust.  As I have said before, the way I handle adversity in a relationship has to do with how I was treated in the past.  As much as I try to let go of what "he" did to me, It is going to take a long time, much longer than I could have ever expected.  I have a friend that told me as I was preparing to leave San Diego that there was a two year minimum waiting period before I could date again.  She told me that a divorce from a bad marriage carries too much baggage and you have to work out your own issues before you can even attempt to start a new relationship.  She was most undoubtedly right.  It has been 2 years and 4 months since my divorce was final and I am just now finding that I am able to overcome some of the broken pieces he left behind.  I am accomplishing this in baby step style of course, but he didn't break me overnight and I certainly don't expect to fix myself overnight.  I have started with trust and abandonment.  Trust because if you don't have it, then you have nothing.  I have to know that when he is there and I am here, that everyone is staying loyal.  While there is no cause to mistrust, an automatic response for me it to head straight to the worst case scenario.  Abandonment because even though I am in a committed relationship, there is always a fear that I am going to be left out on the curb.  Again, I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.  As I have said before, he has done nothing wrong.  It's all me.  I have to work on me and I have a feeling that I need to work a little faster.  Sometimes I feel like a crazy nut and who wants to be with that?  I suppose that is the fear of abandonment talking again.  I am afraid that who I am is going to scare the crap out of him and I will be the one that he talks about saying "she had too much baggage and was too needy, she had to go"  I mean, seriously, who want to be some needy psycho girl.  I work really hard everday to be a little more sane than the day before.  I don't want our short time together to be riddled with me worrying and him having to constantly baby me.  I love him and I want to make this one last for the long haul.

been gone a while

So I know that I have been MIA for quite some time now.  I have been otherwise preoccupied.  In a good way of course...

So what has been happening....

Work is still good.  I really do enjoy working with the guys that I do.  We laugh quite a bit! 

Kids...  well they are kids.  Drive me nuts and melt my heart.  I am having some problems with Abby getting her work done and would appreciate if anyone had any ideas on how to keep her on task.  She is losing homework and text books.  Partly I think it is on purpose, no book = no work.  I have tried bribing, positive reinforcement and punishments.  Nothing seems to be grabbing her attention.

My relationship with Mr. Big is getting to be quite serious.  I still don't know what I am going to do when he leaves in August, but I knew it going in so I can't exactly be surprised by it.  Any pain I go through is self inflicted.  He did tell me that he loves me a week ago and that I swept the feet right out from under him.  Before you ask, Yes, I cried.  Happy tears of course.  After so many years with the worst man ever, it is nice to know that there are still some good ones out there.  I love him and I honestly at this point don't know what I am going to do without him.  We will cross that bridge when we get there.  Meanwhile the kids absolutely enjoy every minute that they have with him.  He is good with them and they all have a good time, sometimes at thier mother's expense, but none the less, they like him and he is a good addition to their live

walls

I find myself back in the same place that I started.  I thought I was ready, but life has different plans for me.  Walls had been removed and the few that were left were low enough for someone to reach over and hold my hand.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I thought that I was successful at it.  Not so much....
If there is one thing my life experiences have taught me, it is to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't.  I have also learned that there are things that you can ask other people to change, but there are also those times when frustrations and dissappointments are brought on by your own accord.  I have grown into my own inadequacies and accepted them for what they are.  I was under the impression that I was beyond most of my damaged self worth, however after recent events I have come to the conclusion that I am not. 
How I react to things is a direct reflection of my own life experiences and I honestly can't expect anyone to accomodate or work around them.  My negative responses to what might seem to outsiders like "small potatoes" are something that I personally have to work on and trudge through.  "Trudge".  That is the closest I can come to explaining exactly what it is like for me when things like this happen.  Conversations and events become clouded with feelings of doubt and insecurity.  Am I saying the right thing?  Did I ask the right questions?  Should I have said more???  Most importantly, was he listening?...   I begin to feel like I am wading chest deep the muck that is my emotions and getting no where but deeper and dirtier. 
Is any of this his fault?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I go round and round in my over-processed thoughts and irrational reasonings.  Reflecting, I am almost certain I should have been more forthcoming, but it is too late now.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.  This attitude is also a downfall of mine.  Instead of dealing with the situation that is causing me pain, I would rather ignore it.  Once I feel like I have sufficiently put it out of my brain, the next illogical step is to find everything I can wrong with him.  This facilitates the final push of hating him.  You see, if I hate him then I can't like him and therefore I do not get hurt.  Luckily (or unluckily- depending on how you really want to look at it) this series of steps takes very minimal time.  I have perfected it to less than a week.  In other words if I decide today that I am going to move on, by Friday it will be over.  In all actuality I will be done by Monday, he will probably just not be fully aware of my decision until Friday.  A little harsh and without thinking, I know.  Let's remember though that it is the over analyzation of the situation that got me here in the first place.  At this point in time I would look at it like a band-aid - just rip it off.
While all of this might seem a bit nuts, and I am quite sure that it is; this is me.  This is who I am now.  Would I like to change?  Of course I would.  I would like to be able to deal with let-downs and dissappointments like a normal human being.  I am working on it, not very successfully at the moment, but I am working on it.  I wish I could work on it a little bit faster so that I don't push him away.  He is tremendously good to me and everyday that goes by I find myself falling a little farther into his arms.  That being said I am well aware that my coping skills could use some revamping but for now I think I will just put some of those dependable walls back up.

back in the swing of things

So the kids dad left on Sunday.  It was a bittersweet morning for me.  I was so excited and super glad to have the kids back, but at the same time sad to leave the comfy house I was in. 

The short time I had with a man worthy of mentioning in my blog was wonderful.  I was able to relax and unwind while cuddling on the couch and getting closer to him.  We were able to go out on a real date which is completely foreign to me at this point.  I have to say that all in all it was quite an amazing week.

When I picked up the kids they were very excited to see me!  It makes me feel good that they know I am doing my best with them and not having me around for even a short time reminds them of that.  Nobody wanted to get out to give him a hug (they all said it was too cold) and nobody cried.  Not even Victoria.  Our first day back at our house together was super!  They were so well behaved and helpful!  Maybe I should go away more often?  They have been eating like they did not eat the whole time I was gone.  I am sure that they must have eaten, but perhaps it was more snacks than anything.  A little home cooking and they are cleaning their plates... 

Today was back to school and that produced a mountain of homework since they missed a week of school.  We trudged thru some of it, but with a due date of next Monday, I didn't want to overwhelm them.  Again today they were all so well behaved, it is almost like aliens have taken over their bodies.  Maybe it is me having more patience for them?  I think it is maybe a combination of me getting some much needed R&R and them seeing what life would be like without me.    Puts things back into perspective for all of us. 

Of course their dad was crying when he left.  This does not affect me much anymore.  I don't so much feel bad for him at all.  In fact, I felt so little emotion I asked him for the money that he said he was going to give me.  Of course he said he was going to transfer it when he landed.  Of course he didn't.  Of course I shot off a detailed email of what he owes me for co-pays.  Of course he had no response and said he would reply to my email tonight.  Of course he is putting it off again.  I am going to wait and see what his reply is and then take it from there.  I just can't be nice about it anymore.  The current bill is over 1200 dollars.  So I am guessing that you can feel my frustration...

Anyway onward and upward!  My kids love me and now appreciate me - so for now all is good here in chilly Wisconsin.