walls

I find myself back in the same place that I started.  I thought I was ready, but life has different plans for me.  Walls had been removed and the few that were left were low enough for someone to reach over and hold my hand.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I thought that I was successful at it.  Not so much....
If there is one thing my life experiences have taught me, it is to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't.  I have also learned that there are things that you can ask other people to change, but there are also those times when frustrations and dissappointments are brought on by your own accord.  I have grown into my own inadequacies and accepted them for what they are.  I was under the impression that I was beyond most of my damaged self worth, however after recent events I have come to the conclusion that I am not. 
How I react to things is a direct reflection of my own life experiences and I honestly can't expect anyone to accomodate or work around them.  My negative responses to what might seem to outsiders like "small potatoes" are something that I personally have to work on and trudge through.  "Trudge".  That is the closest I can come to explaining exactly what it is like for me when things like this happen.  Conversations and events become clouded with feelings of doubt and insecurity.  Am I saying the right thing?  Did I ask the right questions?  Should I have said more???  Most importantly, was he listening?...   I begin to feel like I am wading chest deep the muck that is my emotions and getting no where but deeper and dirtier. 
Is any of this his fault?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I go round and round in my over-processed thoughts and irrational reasonings.  Reflecting, I am almost certain I should have been more forthcoming, but it is too late now.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.  This attitude is also a downfall of mine.  Instead of dealing with the situation that is causing me pain, I would rather ignore it.  Once I feel like I have sufficiently put it out of my brain, the next illogical step is to find everything I can wrong with him.  This facilitates the final push of hating him.  You see, if I hate him then I can't like him and therefore I do not get hurt.  Luckily (or unluckily- depending on how you really want to look at it) this series of steps takes very minimal time.  I have perfected it to less than a week.  In other words if I decide today that I am going to move on, by Friday it will be over.  In all actuality I will be done by Monday, he will probably just not be fully aware of my decision until Friday.  A little harsh and without thinking, I know.  Let's remember though that it is the over analyzation of the situation that got me here in the first place.  At this point in time I would look at it like a band-aid - just rip it off.
While all of this might seem a bit nuts, and I am quite sure that it is; this is me.  This is who I am now.  Would I like to change?  Of course I would.  I would like to be able to deal with let-downs and dissappointments like a normal human being.  I am working on it, not very successfully at the moment, but I am working on it.  I wish I could work on it a little bit faster so that I don't push him away.  He is tremendously good to me and everyday that goes by I find myself falling a little farther into his arms.  That being said I am well aware that my coping skills could use some revamping but for now I think I will just put some of those dependable walls back up.