As usual I have found myself too busy to keep up with this blog. It's too bad really because I always find myself in a better place once I have typed out what is swimming around in this crazy head of mine. So let's see where to start...
The kids went to stay with their dad for three weeks which was absolute heaven! They seem to have had a good time and that is all that really matters in the end. While they were gone, myself and Mr. Big had some ups and downs of our own. We were able to have some real quality time of our own and he took me to Chicago for my birthday. It was while we were there that we got the news that his dad passed away. Off to Philly for a week... It was hard, but at the same time it was good for him to be surrounded by people that he loves and love him in return.
So now for the stuff that keeps me up at night:
I don't know how to tell him, but I am starting to think that moving to South Carolina with him is not such a good idea. He said something to me the other night and while it should have made me go "awww...", instead it made me go "hmmm..." Ok, so what did he say? He said that he looks at us as his little family. It means a lot to me that he would look at my children with love and consider us that tight of a unit to consider us a family. HOWEVER, this can only lead me to one cliche - Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. There needs to be a line drawn in the sand that he has to cross in order to call us his family. The problem lies in how do I tell him? Let's take this very moment for instance, I feel like I should call or text him that he should stay home for the rest of the week so that we can have some time apart, but I don't even know how to start that conversation. I don't want him to think that there is anything wrong, but in all actuality there is. Is it that I am feeling rushed or that I am trying to push him away so that I don't get hurt. I have never known love like this, that is one thing that I am sure of. It's funny because I am consistently losing my train of thought as I keep leaning back and letting my mind wander on this situation. I have to admit that at the end of every thought process lies the same result - me telling him good bye.
Things moved quickly and I wasn't ready for all this. All these emotions are too much for my still damaged soul to take. I am forever riding the roller coaster, getting to high very slowly, click by click and then barreling down into the lows at speeds to fast to measure. My emotions can't handle the abuse much longer. A clean break is what I need. I know that's not going to happen. Whether we say good bye simply because he is leaving for South Carolina or we say good bye because I have decided that I want off the ride, it's going to be hard. The stupid part is, I don't want to say good bye at all! I want things to stay just how they are so that all the pressure would be lifted. I want to feel free with him. No timelines, no expectations, just the two of us having a wonderful relationship that is allowed to grow in it's own time.
No comments:
Post a Comment