hidden

So if you are reading this post you have discovered that not all my blogs make it on to Facebook.  There are some that are more for me than for anything else.  If you should stumble across these then that means you are actually paying attention and I suppose that it is acceptable that you should read them.  Please try to not take them too literally because they are what I am feeling at that exact moment and being that I am known to be somewhat emotional, chances are that my feelings will change.  With this disclaimer written, I would like to continue on from the previous hidden blog.

I had a rough day that day, that is for certain.  I actaully had a trying night before that day as well.  There are things in our lives that happen for a reason and I think that it has become clear to me now.  I have to learn how to trust.  As I have said before, the way I handle adversity in a relationship has to do with how I was treated in the past.  As much as I try to let go of what "he" did to me, It is going to take a long time, much longer than I could have ever expected.  I have a friend that told me as I was preparing to leave San Diego that there was a two year minimum waiting period before I could date again.  She told me that a divorce from a bad marriage carries too much baggage and you have to work out your own issues before you can even attempt to start a new relationship.  She was most undoubtedly right.  It has been 2 years and 4 months since my divorce was final and I am just now finding that I am able to overcome some of the broken pieces he left behind.  I am accomplishing this in baby step style of course, but he didn't break me overnight and I certainly don't expect to fix myself overnight.  I have started with trust and abandonment.  Trust because if you don't have it, then you have nothing.  I have to know that when he is there and I am here, that everyone is staying loyal.  While there is no cause to mistrust, an automatic response for me it to head straight to the worst case scenario.  Abandonment because even though I am in a committed relationship, there is always a fear that I am going to be left out on the curb.  Again, I have no reason to feel this way, but I do.  As I have said before, he has done nothing wrong.  It's all me.  I have to work on me and I have a feeling that I need to work a little faster.  Sometimes I feel like a crazy nut and who wants to be with that?  I suppose that is the fear of abandonment talking again.  I am afraid that who I am is going to scare the crap out of him and I will be the one that he talks about saying "she had too much baggage and was too needy, she had to go"  I mean, seriously, who want to be some needy psycho girl.  I work really hard everday to be a little more sane than the day before.  I don't want our short time together to be riddled with me worrying and him having to constantly baby me.  I love him and I want to make this one last for the long haul.