This week seemed to drag on and on and on and on and on.... I was beginning to think that Friday would never come! Well it finally did and it was not the Friday that I was expecting.
I have a project due Monday and had not really started it yet. Well I sat down in a room away from my office where I knew that I would not be interrupted and started in. It was quiet which was nice but I still did not finish everything that I wanted. Looks like I might be working through the weekend on it. Or at least that is what I am going to tell myself.
Last night was especially taxing emotionally. It has to do with Mr. Big's ex and her drama that she bring his way. Well now she is tryig to reach out into my little world out of what I can only assume is desperation. Don't get me wrong, he has done nothing wrong and it was all her acting like an insane person. Anyway it was a real test of my patience and actually my commitment to him. I do have to admit I said a lot of words in spanish that I have not used in a long time. At one point, Victoria told me she was glad that she dosen't understand spanish! I told her, me too! I got through it and have decided that I am not going to stoop to her level. Not that I didn't think about doing it though! I would get into what exactly happened but she is not worth me rehashing it.
I was expecting to spend the weekend alone since he was going to a wedding back home, but work got in the way and he missed his flight. While I am happy to have him with me, I was thoroughly prepared and had planned on spending the weekend alone. On to plan B! Perhaps we can see a movie tomorrow with the kids. I really do feel bad that he was not able to go home.
I am really going to try and keep up with this silly thing. I know I have said it before but it is nice to have a place where you can write everything down.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
i'm back!
So here I sit, or should I say lay, on my couch. The last time I posted was on Valentine's Day and that was over a month ago! I really should keep up on this blog. So here is the short and skinny of what has been going on here in the cold north of Wisconsin:
The kids are doing well in school! Even little Abigail seems to be getting it together when it comes to her homework. Her teacher even sent home a note saying how good she is doing! Far cry for the negative that I have been getting from her for the past few months. On the recommendation of the director of School Age Services on post, I purchased an accordion folder for her to keep track of all her work. At the last parent-teacher conference that I had with her teacher we had discussed that if this worked we would try to work something out for her desk as school as well. I suppose I will know for sure when her next report card comes, but I definitely have seen her really trying to conquer that mountain and she seems to be succeeding! Victoria is getting to be quite the tween! She has lots of attitude and the eyes rolls are excessively abundant... I try to keep my patience with her, but geez if this is a preview of what is to come, I am going to have my hands full! Other than that, grades are good and she is growing into quite the young lady. Nathaniel is the same. Mom's little baby and story teller extraordinaire! He has decided to go with the "white-walled, high and tight" hair cut and even though I had my reservations, it is growing on me and is actually pretty cute.
On the relationship side of things, everything is going well. I am going home with him for a wedding in May so that is good. Truth be told, I am extremely nervous! The ex and I never met each other's families before we got married and come to think of it never even really did the whole courtship thing in general. All of this is so new to me, it's scary. I know he loves me and of course I love him. Our lives are progressing so smoothly and as he always says, "it is so easy." I never knew that a relationship could be like this. Of course I still have my issues which I have discussed in previous blogs so I am not going to revisit them. I am working through them and I find that with each week that passes by, it gets easier. He makes it so. <3
Speaking of easier, it is getting to a whole lot easier to survive up here by myself. As I like to say...
Work is easy, Pay is good, My boyfriend is hot and The beer is cold! You really can't ask for much more than that....
The kids are doing well in school! Even little Abigail seems to be getting it together when it comes to her homework. Her teacher even sent home a note saying how good she is doing! Far cry for the negative that I have been getting from her for the past few months. On the recommendation of the director of School Age Services on post, I purchased an accordion folder for her to keep track of all her work. At the last parent-teacher conference that I had with her teacher we had discussed that if this worked we would try to work something out for her desk as school as well. I suppose I will know for sure when her next report card comes, but I definitely have seen her really trying to conquer that mountain and she seems to be succeeding! Victoria is getting to be quite the tween! She has lots of attitude and the eyes rolls are excessively abundant... I try to keep my patience with her, but geez if this is a preview of what is to come, I am going to have my hands full! Other than that, grades are good and she is growing into quite the young lady. Nathaniel is the same. Mom's little baby and story teller extraordinaire! He has decided to go with the "white-walled, high and tight" hair cut and even though I had my reservations, it is growing on me and is actually pretty cute.
On the relationship side of things, everything is going well. I am going home with him for a wedding in May so that is good. Truth be told, I am extremely nervous! The ex and I never met each other's families before we got married and come to think of it never even really did the whole courtship thing in general. All of this is so new to me, it's scary. I know he loves me and of course I love him. Our lives are progressing so smoothly and as he always says, "it is so easy." I never knew that a relationship could be like this. Of course I still have my issues which I have discussed in previous blogs so I am not going to revisit them. I am working through them and I find that with each week that passes by, it gets easier. He makes it so. <3
Speaking of easier, it is getting to a whole lot easier to survive up here by myself. As I like to say...
Work is easy, Pay is good, My boyfriend is hot and The beer is cold! You really can't ask for much more than that....
Monday, February 14, 2011
valentine's day
Today is Valentine's Day!
It is amazing how when you have someone to share it with, how it takes on a whole new meaning. This year I am very grateful to have Mr. Big in my life to make this day truely special. He makes me feel loved everyday, but as a female, having this special day makes it even that more wonderful.
Even the kids are enjoying it a little bit more than usual. It is definitely a good day. I love them and everything that I do is for them. Despite the hair pulling and many glasses of wine, they are the joy in my life. I would be nothing without them.
The day has just started and by the end of the day I expect that I will be posting on here again. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, a direct result of the amazing life that I have. Even though it is a commercial holiday, Valentine's Day is giving me a day to be grateful for all the love I have in my life.
It is amazing how when you have someone to share it with, how it takes on a whole new meaning. This year I am very grateful to have Mr. Big in my life to make this day truely special. He makes me feel loved everyday, but as a female, having this special day makes it even that more wonderful.
Even the kids are enjoying it a little bit more than usual. It is definitely a good day. I love them and everything that I do is for them. Despite the hair pulling and many glasses of wine, they are the joy in my life. I would be nothing without them.
The day has just started and by the end of the day I expect that I will be posting on here again. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach, a direct result of the amazing life that I have. Even though it is a commercial holiday, Valentine's Day is giving me a day to be grateful for all the love I have in my life.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
hidden
So if you are reading this post you have discovered that not all my blogs make it on to Facebook. There are some that are more for me than for anything else. If you should stumble across these then that means you are actually paying attention and I suppose that it is acceptable that you should read them. Please try to not take them too literally because they are what I am feeling at that exact moment and being that I am known to be somewhat emotional, chances are that my feelings will change. With this disclaimer written, I would like to continue on from the previous hidden blog.
I had a rough day that day, that is for certain. I actaully had a trying night before that day as well. There are things in our lives that happen for a reason and I think that it has become clear to me now. I have to learn how to trust. As I have said before, the way I handle adversity in a relationship has to do with how I was treated in the past. As much as I try to let go of what "he" did to me, It is going to take a long time, much longer than I could have ever expected. I have a friend that told me as I was preparing to leave San Diego that there was a two year minimum waiting period before I could date again. She told me that a divorce from a bad marriage carries too much baggage and you have to work out your own issues before you can even attempt to start a new relationship. She was most undoubtedly right. It has been 2 years and 4 months since my divorce was final and I am just now finding that I am able to overcome some of the broken pieces he left behind. I am accomplishing this in baby step style of course, but he didn't break me overnight and I certainly don't expect to fix myself overnight. I have started with trust and abandonment. Trust because if you don't have it, then you have nothing. I have to know that when he is there and I am here, that everyone is staying loyal. While there is no cause to mistrust, an automatic response for me it to head straight to the worst case scenario. Abandonment because even though I am in a committed relationship, there is always a fear that I am going to be left out on the curb. Again, I have no reason to feel this way, but I do. As I have said before, he has done nothing wrong. It's all me. I have to work on me and I have a feeling that I need to work a little faster. Sometimes I feel like a crazy nut and who wants to be with that? I suppose that is the fear of abandonment talking again. I am afraid that who I am is going to scare the crap out of him and I will be the one that he talks about saying "she had too much baggage and was too needy, she had to go" I mean, seriously, who want to be some needy psycho girl. I work really hard everday to be a little more sane than the day before. I don't want our short time together to be riddled with me worrying and him having to constantly baby me. I love him and I want to make this one last for the long haul.
I had a rough day that day, that is for certain. I actaully had a trying night before that day as well. There are things in our lives that happen for a reason and I think that it has become clear to me now. I have to learn how to trust. As I have said before, the way I handle adversity in a relationship has to do with how I was treated in the past. As much as I try to let go of what "he" did to me, It is going to take a long time, much longer than I could have ever expected. I have a friend that told me as I was preparing to leave San Diego that there was a two year minimum waiting period before I could date again. She told me that a divorce from a bad marriage carries too much baggage and you have to work out your own issues before you can even attempt to start a new relationship. She was most undoubtedly right. It has been 2 years and 4 months since my divorce was final and I am just now finding that I am able to overcome some of the broken pieces he left behind. I am accomplishing this in baby step style of course, but he didn't break me overnight and I certainly don't expect to fix myself overnight. I have started with trust and abandonment. Trust because if you don't have it, then you have nothing. I have to know that when he is there and I am here, that everyone is staying loyal. While there is no cause to mistrust, an automatic response for me it to head straight to the worst case scenario. Abandonment because even though I am in a committed relationship, there is always a fear that I am going to be left out on the curb. Again, I have no reason to feel this way, but I do. As I have said before, he has done nothing wrong. It's all me. I have to work on me and I have a feeling that I need to work a little faster. Sometimes I feel like a crazy nut and who wants to be with that? I suppose that is the fear of abandonment talking again. I am afraid that who I am is going to scare the crap out of him and I will be the one that he talks about saying "she had too much baggage and was too needy, she had to go" I mean, seriously, who want to be some needy psycho girl. I work really hard everday to be a little more sane than the day before. I don't want our short time together to be riddled with me worrying and him having to constantly baby me. I love him and I want to make this one last for the long haul.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
been gone a while
So I know that I have been MIA for quite some time now. I have been otherwise preoccupied. In a good way of course...
So what has been happening....
Work is still good. I really do enjoy working with the guys that I do. We laugh quite a bit!
Kids... well they are kids. Drive me nuts and melt my heart. I am having some problems with Abby getting her work done and would appreciate if anyone had any ideas on how to keep her on task. She is losing homework and text books. Partly I think it is on purpose, no book = no work. I have tried bribing, positive reinforcement and punishments. Nothing seems to be grabbing her attention.
My relationship with Mr. Big is getting to be quite serious. I still don't know what I am going to do when he leaves in August, but I knew it going in so I can't exactly be surprised by it. Any pain I go through is self inflicted. He did tell me that he loves me a week ago and that I swept the feet right out from under him. Before you ask, Yes, I cried. Happy tears of course. After so many years with the worst man ever, it is nice to know that there are still some good ones out there. I love him and I honestly at this point don't know what I am going to do without him. We will cross that bridge when we get there. Meanwhile the kids absolutely enjoy every minute that they have with him. He is good with them and they all have a good time, sometimes at thier mother's expense, but none the less, they like him and he is a good addition to their live
So what has been happening....
Work is still good. I really do enjoy working with the guys that I do. We laugh quite a bit!
Kids... well they are kids. Drive me nuts and melt my heart. I am having some problems with Abby getting her work done and would appreciate if anyone had any ideas on how to keep her on task. She is losing homework and text books. Partly I think it is on purpose, no book = no work. I have tried bribing, positive reinforcement and punishments. Nothing seems to be grabbing her attention.
My relationship with Mr. Big is getting to be quite serious. I still don't know what I am going to do when he leaves in August, but I knew it going in so I can't exactly be surprised by it. Any pain I go through is self inflicted. He did tell me that he loves me a week ago and that I swept the feet right out from under him. Before you ask, Yes, I cried. Happy tears of course. After so many years with the worst man ever, it is nice to know that there are still some good ones out there. I love him and I honestly at this point don't know what I am going to do without him. We will cross that bridge when we get there. Meanwhile the kids absolutely enjoy every minute that they have with him. He is good with them and they all have a good time, sometimes at thier mother's expense, but none the less, they like him and he is a good addition to their live
Sunday, January 16, 2011
walls
I find myself back in the same place that I started. I thought I was ready, but life has different plans for me. Walls had been removed and the few that were left were low enough for someone to reach over and hold my hand. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I thought that I was successful at it. Not so much....
If there is one thing my life experiences have taught me, it is to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't. I have also learned that there are things that you can ask other people to change, but there are also those times when frustrations and dissappointments are brought on by your own accord. I have grown into my own inadequacies and accepted them for what they are. I was under the impression that I was beyond most of my damaged self worth, however after recent events I have come to the conclusion that I am not.
How I react to things is a direct reflection of my own life experiences and I honestly can't expect anyone to accomodate or work around them. My negative responses to what might seem to outsiders like "small potatoes" are something that I personally have to work on and trudge through. "Trudge". That is the closest I can come to explaining exactly what it is like for me when things like this happen. Conversations and events become clouded with feelings of doubt and insecurity. Am I saying the right thing? Did I ask the right questions? Should I have said more??? Most importantly, was he listening?... I begin to feel like I am wading chest deep the muck that is my emotions and getting no where but deeper and dirtier.
Is any of this his fault? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I go round and round in my over-processed thoughts and irrational reasonings. Reflecting, I am almost certain I should have been more forthcoming, but it is too late now. I don't want to talk about it anymore. This attitude is also a downfall of mine. Instead of dealing with the situation that is causing me pain, I would rather ignore it. Once I feel like I have sufficiently put it out of my brain, the next illogical step is to find everything I can wrong with him. This facilitates the final push of hating him. You see, if I hate him then I can't like him and therefore I do not get hurt. Luckily (or unluckily- depending on how you really want to look at it) this series of steps takes very minimal time. I have perfected it to less than a week. In other words if I decide today that I am going to move on, by Friday it will be over. In all actuality I will be done by Monday, he will probably just not be fully aware of my decision until Friday. A little harsh and without thinking, I know. Let's remember though that it is the over analyzation of the situation that got me here in the first place. At this point in time I would look at it like a band-aid - just rip it off.
While all of this might seem a bit nuts, and I am quite sure that it is; this is me. This is who I am now. Would I like to change? Of course I would. I would like to be able to deal with let-downs and dissappointments like a normal human being. I am working on it, not very successfully at the moment, but I am working on it. I wish I could work on it a little bit faster so that I don't push him away. He is tremendously good to me and everyday that goes by I find myself falling a little farther into his arms. That being said I am well aware that my coping skills could use some revamping but for now I think I will just put some of those dependable walls back up.
If there is one thing my life experiences have taught me, it is to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't. I have also learned that there are things that you can ask other people to change, but there are also those times when frustrations and dissappointments are brought on by your own accord. I have grown into my own inadequacies and accepted them for what they are. I was under the impression that I was beyond most of my damaged self worth, however after recent events I have come to the conclusion that I am not.
How I react to things is a direct reflection of my own life experiences and I honestly can't expect anyone to accomodate or work around them. My negative responses to what might seem to outsiders like "small potatoes" are something that I personally have to work on and trudge through. "Trudge". That is the closest I can come to explaining exactly what it is like for me when things like this happen. Conversations and events become clouded with feelings of doubt and insecurity. Am I saying the right thing? Did I ask the right questions? Should I have said more??? Most importantly, was he listening?... I begin to feel like I am wading chest deep the muck that is my emotions and getting no where but deeper and dirtier.
Is any of this his fault? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I go round and round in my over-processed thoughts and irrational reasonings. Reflecting, I am almost certain I should have been more forthcoming, but it is too late now. I don't want to talk about it anymore. This attitude is also a downfall of mine. Instead of dealing with the situation that is causing me pain, I would rather ignore it. Once I feel like I have sufficiently put it out of my brain, the next illogical step is to find everything I can wrong with him. This facilitates the final push of hating him. You see, if I hate him then I can't like him and therefore I do not get hurt. Luckily (or unluckily- depending on how you really want to look at it) this series of steps takes very minimal time. I have perfected it to less than a week. In other words if I decide today that I am going to move on, by Friday it will be over. In all actuality I will be done by Monday, he will probably just not be fully aware of my decision until Friday. A little harsh and without thinking, I know. Let's remember though that it is the over analyzation of the situation that got me here in the first place. At this point in time I would look at it like a band-aid - just rip it off.
While all of this might seem a bit nuts, and I am quite sure that it is; this is me. This is who I am now. Would I like to change? Of course I would. I would like to be able to deal with let-downs and dissappointments like a normal human being. I am working on it, not very successfully at the moment, but I am working on it. I wish I could work on it a little bit faster so that I don't push him away. He is tremendously good to me and everyday that goes by I find myself falling a little farther into his arms. That being said I am well aware that my coping skills could use some revamping but for now I think I will just put some of those dependable walls back up.
Monday, January 10, 2011
back in the swing of things
So the kids dad left on Sunday. It was a bittersweet morning for me. I was so excited and super glad to have the kids back, but at the same time sad to leave the comfy house I was in.
The short time I had with a man worthy of mentioning in my blog was wonderful. I was able to relax and unwind while cuddling on the couch and getting closer to him. We were able to go out on a real date which is completely foreign to me at this point. I have to say that all in all it was quite an amazing week.
When I picked up the kids they were very excited to see me! It makes me feel good that they know I am doing my best with them and not having me around for even a short time reminds them of that. Nobody wanted to get out to give him a hug (they all said it was too cold) and nobody cried. Not even Victoria. Our first day back at our house together was super! They were so well behaved and helpful! Maybe I should go away more often? They have been eating like they did not eat the whole time I was gone. I am sure that they must have eaten, but perhaps it was more snacks than anything. A little home cooking and they are cleaning their plates...
Today was back to school and that produced a mountain of homework since they missed a week of school. We trudged thru some of it, but with a due date of next Monday, I didn't want to overwhelm them. Again today they were all so well behaved, it is almost like aliens have taken over their bodies. Maybe it is me having more patience for them? I think it is maybe a combination of me getting some much needed R&R and them seeing what life would be like without me. Puts things back into perspective for all of us.
Of course their dad was crying when he left. This does not affect me much anymore. I don't so much feel bad for him at all. In fact, I felt so little emotion I asked him for the money that he said he was going to give me. Of course he said he was going to transfer it when he landed. Of course he didn't. Of course I shot off a detailed email of what he owes me for co-pays. Of course he had no response and said he would reply to my email tonight. Of course he is putting it off again. I am going to wait and see what his reply is and then take it from there. I just can't be nice about it anymore. The current bill is over 1200 dollars. So I am guessing that you can feel my frustration...
Anyway onward and upward! My kids love me and now appreciate me - so for now all is good here in chilly Wisconsin.
The short time I had with a man worthy of mentioning in my blog was wonderful. I was able to relax and unwind while cuddling on the couch and getting closer to him. We were able to go out on a real date which is completely foreign to me at this point. I have to say that all in all it was quite an amazing week.
When I picked up the kids they were very excited to see me! It makes me feel good that they know I am doing my best with them and not having me around for even a short time reminds them of that. Nobody wanted to get out to give him a hug (they all said it was too cold) and nobody cried. Not even Victoria. Our first day back at our house together was super! They were so well behaved and helpful! Maybe I should go away more often? They have been eating like they did not eat the whole time I was gone. I am sure that they must have eaten, but perhaps it was more snacks than anything. A little home cooking and they are cleaning their plates...
Today was back to school and that produced a mountain of homework since they missed a week of school. We trudged thru some of it, but with a due date of next Monday, I didn't want to overwhelm them. Again today they were all so well behaved, it is almost like aliens have taken over their bodies. Maybe it is me having more patience for them? I think it is maybe a combination of me getting some much needed R&R and them seeing what life would be like without me. Puts things back into perspective for all of us.
Of course their dad was crying when he left. This does not affect me much anymore. I don't so much feel bad for him at all. In fact, I felt so little emotion I asked him for the money that he said he was going to give me. Of course he said he was going to transfer it when he landed. Of course he didn't. Of course I shot off a detailed email of what he owes me for co-pays. Of course he had no response and said he would reply to my email tonight. Of course he is putting it off again. I am going to wait and see what his reply is and then take it from there. I just can't be nice about it anymore. The current bill is over 1200 dollars. So I am guessing that you can feel my frustration...
Anyway onward and upward! My kids love me and now appreciate me - so for now all is good here in chilly Wisconsin.
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