6 days

As much as I would like for these last days to last forever, they seem to be flying by.  If I could stop time I would.  Today I spent most of the day running errands in preparation for him to leave.  Preparing to say goodbye.  How am I supposed to plan a going away function for someone that I don't want to go away?  I guess at work they figure that since we are dating that I would want to.  Well guess what, not really.  It has been way too much work and the "good idea fairies" are running amock causing more work than it needs to be.  Wouldn't it be great if we did this and wouldn't it be great if we did that... hey, Vanessa why don't you see if you can make that happen by Monday.  Uffda. 

On the emotional side, I am doing okay today.  A lot better than I have been anyway.  When he got home from work today I realized that I still get butterflies in my stomach.  When I see him walking up or even just his car coming down the street towards the house, I can't help but smile.  My man is home.  He really is amazing...  He even ate the dinner I cooked which consisted of leftovers thrown into a pot and then plopped on plate.  The kids loved it and it really wasn't that bad, but just the fact that he didn't hesitate to grab a bowl and serve himself was nice.  He does it because he loves me.  I know he love me every day that we are together.  It's the small moments like when he came around the corner outside our building and he had a granola bar for me.  I know it seems silly, but he knows I like them and those are the things that mean the most.  Even right now as I type this in my bedroom, he is in the other room spending time with the kids and making sure that they are doing what they are supposed to.  So maybe now I am a little more emotional than  I was when I first sat down, but it's because he really is the most wonderful man. 

He is driving me crazy with this Monday event though.  He has been so nosey, I told my boss that he has been in and out of my office more these past two days then he has the whole time I have been there.  I finally had to close my door to keep him out and then he STILL came in one more time.  He says he is not being nosey but I know better.  He is looking for some random clues.  He already managed to figure out that we are doing something (courtesy of our garrison commander) but he does not know everything.  Well hopefully with all the planning that I am getting sucked into doing, all goes well.  But just like my one pot dinner, I know that no matter how things turn out - He will love it, because he love me.

a week away

Today marks one week left with the most amazing man that I have ever had the pleasure of being with.  He has truly made my life complete and now it is time to say goodbye.  Over the course of our relationship we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what life throws our way we have been able to handle it together and come out the other side stronger and even more in love.  He is not only my lover but he is my best friend.  We have laughed together, cried together, celebrated together and of course partied together!  He knows how to bring me out of my funks when I am acting stupid.  Even the day to day stresses are lightened by his antics.  I can't tell you how many times I have been pantsed! 

There was a time that I thought that I would never find someone that made me feel complete.  As far as I was concerned my son was going to be the only man in my life.  My three kids were all I needed and no man was going to live up to my standards so why even try.  Sure, I went out on dates, but no matter how successful or how cute they were, I wanted nothing to do with them.  I had been burned too bad by my marriage to even think about entering into another relationship.  Then he came along.  Here I was minding my own business trying to make in on my own in the cold of Wisconsin and along comes this random guy that perhaps I could be interested in.  When we first started talking I knew we were going to be great friends.  I was even willing to forgive him for being an Eagles AND a Phillies fan.  It wasn't until the first date that I knew this one was going to be different.  For starter's I actually wanted to see him again and that had not happened in years.  The rest is history...  Our history. 

Then there is our future -

What does the future bring?   I have no clue.  He is leaving not because he wants to, but because he has to.  That is the life of an Army Officer.  I knew this going to happen and I should have been more prepared for it.  I don't know if you really can though.  Now the question is what to do next.  I want to stay with him, but circumstances are keeping me here.  I don't know when I will be able to follow him or if I will even be able to at all.  I know he wants me there and he is always telling me that it is going to be alright and that the separation is not going to be very long, but I am a realist and I know better.  Okay so maybe it is the scared little girl in me that is preparing for the worst to prevent the pain from being completely unbearable.  I want nothing more than to be with him. 

For now I am just trying to enjoy this last bit of time that I have with him and make sure that every moment counts.  This time next week I will be by myself again.

updates updates....

As usual I have found myself too busy to keep up with this blog.  It's too bad really because I always find myself in a better place once I have typed out what is swimming around in this crazy head of mine.  So let's see where to start...

The kids went to stay with their dad for three weeks which was absolute heaven!  They seem to have had a good time and that is all that really matters in the end.  While they were gone, myself and Mr. Big had some ups and downs of our own.  We were able to have some real quality time of our own and he took me to Chicago for my birthday.  It was while we were there that we got the news that his dad passed away.  Off to Philly for a week...   It was hard, but at the same time it was good for him to be surrounded by people that he loves and love him in return.

So now for the stuff that keeps me up at night:

I don't know how to tell him, but I am starting to think that moving to South Carolina with him is not such a good idea.  He said something to me the other night and while it should have made me go "awww...", instead it made me go "hmmm..."   Ok, so what did he say?  He said that he looks at us as his little family.  It means a lot to me that he would look at my children with love and consider us that tight of a unit to consider us a family.  HOWEVER, this can only lead me to one cliche - Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  There needs to be a line drawn in the sand that he has to cross in order to call us his family.  The problem lies in how do I tell him?  Let's take this very moment for instance, I feel like I should call or text him that he should stay home for the rest of the week so that we can have some time apart, but I don't even know how to start that conversation.  I don't want him to think that there is anything wrong, but in all actuality there is.  Is it that I am feeling rushed or that I am trying to push him away so that I don't get hurt.  I have never known love like this, that is one thing that I am sure of.  It's funny because I am consistently losing my train of thought as I keep leaning back and letting my mind wander on this situation.  I have to admit that at the end of every thought process lies the same result - me telling him good bye.

Things moved quickly and I wasn't ready for all this.  All these emotions are too much for my still damaged soul to take.  I am forever riding the roller coaster, getting to high very slowly, click by click and then barreling down into the lows at speeds to fast to measure.  My emotions can't handle the abuse much longer.  A clean break is what I need.  I know that's not going to happen.  Whether we say good bye simply because he is leaving for South Carolina or we say good bye because I have decided that I want off the ride, it's going to be hard.  The stupid part is, I don't want to say good bye at all!  I want things to stay just how they are so that all the pressure would be lifted.  I want to feel free with him.  No timelines, no expectations, just the two of us having a wonderful relationship that is allowed to grow in it's own time.

getting just us back

So the other night "she" called again... 3 times.  And a text message.  I finally put my foot down and told him that it was time to block her.  While we worry about her blowing up and going slightly more insane than she already is, it is nice to know that she can call anymore.  Peace of mind is a good thing.  I am sure that we will run into her in Philly, but that's ok.  She is just going to look like a fool while I laugh at her.  It's so nice to think of her sitting at home trying to call and not getting through.  I am sure that she will try to call from another phone and then there will be a nasty message, but again let her.  I will just sit back with my Mr. Big and laugh at how stupid she is.

Today was a long day at work...  it seemed to drag on and on and I honestly thought that it was never going to end.  There were even a few moments of sadness that required quiet time outside.  It has just been so dreary outside that it is hard to to become gray like the clouds.  That was today.

Tonight was magical.  I came home and cooked dinner while Victoria helped Abigail with her homework.  Nathaniel didn't get into anything and there was minimal complaining by all.  We sat down together and enjoyed our meal and each other's company.  As we began shower routine, Nathaniel came up to me and asked if we could dance.  I suggested that we should put Pandora on the computer because absolutely I would love to dance with him.  We slow danced around the living room to Michael Buble's rendition of Dream a Little Dream.  He has become quite the little dancer and has learned a few new moves so that we did not just sway and twirl over and over again.  It was absolute heaven.  By the third song, the girls were in the living room taking pictures and asking to join in.  We all had a turn with everyone and smiles reached from ear to ear.  Sometimes it is nice to slow down and enjoy the small things in life.  These moments with my babies are fleeting, not to mention few and far between.  In the hustle bustle of life I forget to slow down if even to just breathe.  My hope is that when they grow up the will look back and, yes, say Mom was strict, but remember how we used to dance in the living room, read stories and laugh till we cried.  We should have more moments like that, their childhood is only once.  Not only will they grow up but they will go away...  Right now it seems so difficult doing things on my own, I feel out numbered ALL the time.  Some days, most days, I feel like all I do is yell.

Nights like tonight remind that even though I will probably lose all my hair and perhaps even be committed a few times, the little people in my life are special.  They are all mine to hold, kiss, love....

what happens when the high ends?

I know, I know...  I already posted today.  I was going back through my blogs, more specifically the hidden ones and the first ones I talked about Mr. Big.  I find it ironic that one of the things I found attractive about him was that he did not have any crazy exes.  OH but he does...   She will never know it, but I think about her all the time.  It does not help that she calls every few days and texts him along with trying to reach out to him on Facebook.  I know I should not let her affect me like this, but it is getting increasingly hard to keep my cool.  I want to be strong and secure, but the weak and self-conscious little girl in me will not be ignored.  She is screaming to be let out to cry and beg for this to all stop.  I know that he is not going to leave me for her, don't get me wrong in that aspect.  I'm just tired.  Tired of seeing the phone go off and it's her, tired of him lying when I ask if she called and he tells me no, tired of how this is affecting everyone.  I know he isn't talking to her and that he tries to hide her contacting him because he knows it upsets me.  The simple fact remains that WE are having to change our lives and behavior because of this stupid, stupid girl.  Why won't she go away???!!!  I would love to pick up the phone and let my sweet southern draw tell her "Bless your heart, Hun"  Part of me wants to message her and tell her to cease and desist.  It has gotten to the point that her young daughter is trying to reach out to me as well.  She left me a message on Mr. Big's phone and also poked me on Facebook.  Doesn't this crazy heifer see that she is affecting everyone around her?  I don't want this wench to get her way, but the longer it goes on, the more I have to hold in and then inevitably the crazier I become.  When we go home for the wedding, I know she is going to show up.  She has become desperate and desperate women are unpredictable.  Unpredictable people are dangerous, let's just hope she isn't PMSing along with it.  Here is my perfect little universe being disrupted by some dumb hooker butt all the way in Philly.  I hate that this bothers me at all and then I hate that I am thinking about it so much that I am actually putting it in my blog.  Part of me is afraid that Mr. Big will find this and freak out.  But then if he finds this maybe it is for the better because up till now I have not been able to say exactly how much this gets to me.  I have been trying to be the cool and calm girlfriend while all the time inside I want to scream out.  I suppose if he did get upset with me then maybe that is for the best too.  I would like to think that he values our relationship enough to take care of business and  make sure she can't ever bother us again.  OK, so that just sounded like he should take a hit out on her.  Let me just say right now, I in no way wish her any harm.  Now, that being stated, if she shows up anywhere we are while we are in Philly and my hand should accidentally high five her face, that is a totally different thing.  So if anyone out there should stumble upon this post, advice would be good.  Prayers too, lots of them.

Easter and stuff...

Easter Sunday was lovely.  We spent the day together as a family and had a delicious dinner!  I made collard greens, which I have never made before...  they came out pretty good, but I think I could make them better next time.  There were sweet orange carrots, potato bacon torte and of course HAM!!!  This was our first holiday spent with Mr. Big so that made it so much more special.  Although I missed my family tremendously, it was an altogether nice day.  The girls got bikes from the Sparta New and Used store and I have to say they were such great sports about not getting new ones.  They were very excited and when I told them not to expect anything Easter morning, they were perfectly OK with it.  They have both grown beyond the idea that a big white rabbit comes hopping along and deliver Easter baskets.  Nathaniel on the other hand, still believes so his bike was delivered appropriately.  I planted it on the back deck and when we left for Mass he saw it.  He was so excited!  There he was in his 3 piece suit begging me to ride it.  They spent pretty much the rest of the day outside while I cooked. 

It is only 10 more days until I go home with Mr. Big for his brother's wedding!  I am so excited to take this trip with him, but very nervous at the same time.  I didn't meet the donor's family until after we were married so it wasn't a big deal at all.  I am sure that all will be fine and I will survive the weekend.  We will be going to a Phillies game Friday night, his godson's first communion Saturday morning, the wedding Saturday afternoon/evening and then Sunday is Mother's Day.  We get in late Thursday night and leave out Sunday night so it will make for a packed couple of days.  I really am delighted to be able to see where he is from.  Just another peek into my wonderful man's world.

I will drive about 4 hours to meet the kid's Aunt Laurie so she can take them for the time that I am gone.  I can't thank her enough for helping me out.  I know the kid's are excited to spend time with her too!!!

Well Monday is pretty much done...  hopefully the rest of the week goes by this quickly.