is it time yet?

This week has been really hectic.  With losing Monday I had to work double time to catch up along with a few more added responsibilities.  I know I can do all the work that they have been giving me plus still take care of my regular duties, it's just exhausting.  Oh well, nothing  I can do about it now.  It at least makes the time go by really fast and that is definitely a good thing.

The kids are keeping up on homework...  so far.  Abigail really wants to do a good job this year.  I gave her a practice spelling test tonight and she got them all correct the first time!  Victoria has been studying for a capitols test coming up.  They have multiple times to take it, but she wants to finish it up as soon as possible.  Less for her to worry about she says.  Nathaniel has continued his "wrong choice marathon".  He has now moved to the back of the classroom because he won't stop talking to his neighbors.  Actually, and I know that no one will believe this, but I had the exact same problem.  All my report cards used to say that I was an excellent student but that I chatted a little too much.  Personally I think he is running for office and talking up his constituents is important.  :)

Vinny is doing well.  He moves into the rent house in South Carolina on Friday.  It is a very nice place in a very good location with very good schools.  All in all it is a very good thing.  I love him so much and I just can't wait to be free of all the drama of us being together here.  Even though he is gone, I still have to deal with it.  There is always the question of whether or not I am following him and honestly it is none of their business. 

I haven't gone through anything else in the house since Monday.  Just not enough time for me to really go through things.  I will start on Abby's room on Saturday.  Or maybe I will go down there right now...  I feel like throwing some kid stuff away!  But don't we always?

JUNK!

Since I have been left to my own devices, I have decided that I should work on cleaning out all the junk in my house.  I started downstairs on the "rec room"...  reorganized the books, games, movies, etc...  It took the better part of the day but I was able to finish it.  I hauled 4 bags of trash out that area and I honestly don't know how there is even anything left.  It felt good to get that stuff out though.  Yesterday I was putting away my son's laundry and flipped out when I walked into his room!  There was just too much junk everywhere.  So I put the clothes down and called for reinforcements!  Abby was the only brave soldier that showed up though.  Anyway I dug myself in and 3 more bags of trash and 2 big boxes of donations later, I was finally finished.  I won that battle!!!  His room looks so empty but he has actually been in there more playing with his toys.  Probably because he can find them and actually reach them now.  I don't even want to think about what the girl's rooms are going to be like...  It makes me dizzy just thinking about it.  Today I was feeling pretty good and so there is this closet that really bothers me upstairs.  I attacked that one too!  A couple more bags of trash out of there, AGAIN I have no idea where this stuff is coming from!  It makes it sound like my house has been full of trash all over the place.  Those of you that know me, know that there is no way that there would be that much clutter laying around.  I have just decided that if I don't need it, out the door it goes!  There is a move on my horizon and I really don't want to be packing ANYTHING! 

my favorite day

Sunday.  It has been my favorite day of the week for a while now.  Church with the family, relaxing on the couch and then a good supper.  There is nothing like laying on the couch with your honey and taking an afternoon nap...  Well now things are not the same.  So let's figure out a new routine! 

Today we got up and went to church earlier than we would have.  Try 0815!!!  It was actually quite packed for being so early.  We sat upstairs in the choir loft to kinda change things up and I like it up there.  More so because it was chilly this morning and since hot air rises, it was warm!  After mass we went into town and picked up Vinny's mail and went grocery shopping.  Mostly just fresh produce and stuff for lunches.  I guess I should have planned something for tomorrow for a bbq, but I can barely think about the rest of the day, much less tomorrow.  Anyway we came home and I made lunch and got dinner on for tonight.  It's a start!

This morning as we were walking into mass Abby turned to me and said, "Mom, we should pray for Vinny today".  Then at the grocery store she told her siblings that she hoped we got to move so that Mom and Vinny could be together again.  She is such a sweetie...

the first week of school!

This marks the first week of school!  Okay, so there were only two days in that week, but still to the kids it was monumental.  They managed to get to their respective classrooms and settled in with their friends on the first day.  The girls of course were full of hugs and giggled with girlfriends.  Nathaniel on the other hand was a different story.  First of all I simply can not believe that my wee little man is in the First Grade!!!  So I drop him off in his classroom with lots of hugs and kisses.  Before I left I told him to please make good choices and not to get in trouble the first day of school.  He promised me that he would not.  Of course in true Acorn style as soon as both myself and the teacher left the room he was already getting into stuff he wasn't supposed to!  To top things off when I picked him up the girls informed me that he had been sent to the principal's office by the computer teacher.  In a way I was frustated, but at the same time I was relieved.  No matter how old he gets and no matter what grade he is going into, he is still going to be my Acorn.  Some things never change.

This also marks our first week without my woobie...  It has been rough, I am not going to deny it.  I am sure that no one is surprised by that either - the way that I carry on sometimes.  Anyway, with each passing day things get a little bit easier.  I am staying busy at work and home so that I don't really have time to sit down and mope.  Sometimes I feel like I could do without the extra responsibilities at work, but hopefully I won't be there forever.  At home I am going through every single corner of the house getting rid of stuff and just making things organized.  I suppose you could say that I am doing my spring cleaning in the fall.  It feels so good to get rid of stuff.

Skype helps quite a bit as well.  It is nice to see his face and hear his laugh...  I do miss him terribly but hopefully he will be out soon.  There is talk of possibly October, but for sure November so actually it won't be too long.  Hopefully the time goes by quickly! 

All in all it has been a decent start to September!

6 days

As much as I would like for these last days to last forever, they seem to be flying by.  If I could stop time I would.  Today I spent most of the day running errands in preparation for him to leave.  Preparing to say goodbye.  How am I supposed to plan a going away function for someone that I don't want to go away?  I guess at work they figure that since we are dating that I would want to.  Well guess what, not really.  It has been way too much work and the "good idea fairies" are running amock causing more work than it needs to be.  Wouldn't it be great if we did this and wouldn't it be great if we did that... hey, Vanessa why don't you see if you can make that happen by Monday.  Uffda. 

On the emotional side, I am doing okay today.  A lot better than I have been anyway.  When he got home from work today I realized that I still get butterflies in my stomach.  When I see him walking up or even just his car coming down the street towards the house, I can't help but smile.  My man is home.  He really is amazing...  He even ate the dinner I cooked which consisted of leftovers thrown into a pot and then plopped on plate.  The kids loved it and it really wasn't that bad, but just the fact that he didn't hesitate to grab a bowl and serve himself was nice.  He does it because he loves me.  I know he love me every day that we are together.  It's the small moments like when he came around the corner outside our building and he had a granola bar for me.  I know it seems silly, but he knows I like them and those are the things that mean the most.  Even right now as I type this in my bedroom, he is in the other room spending time with the kids and making sure that they are doing what they are supposed to.  So maybe now I am a little more emotional than  I was when I first sat down, but it's because he really is the most wonderful man. 

He is driving me crazy with this Monday event though.  He has been so nosey, I told my boss that he has been in and out of my office more these past two days then he has the whole time I have been there.  I finally had to close my door to keep him out and then he STILL came in one more time.  He says he is not being nosey but I know better.  He is looking for some random clues.  He already managed to figure out that we are doing something (courtesy of our garrison commander) but he does not know everything.  Well hopefully with all the planning that I am getting sucked into doing, all goes well.  But just like my one pot dinner, I know that no matter how things turn out - He will love it, because he love me.

a week away

Today marks one week left with the most amazing man that I have ever had the pleasure of being with.  He has truly made my life complete and now it is time to say goodbye.  Over the course of our relationship we have had our ups and downs, but no matter what life throws our way we have been able to handle it together and come out the other side stronger and even more in love.  He is not only my lover but he is my best friend.  We have laughed together, cried together, celebrated together and of course partied together!  He knows how to bring me out of my funks when I am acting stupid.  Even the day to day stresses are lightened by his antics.  I can't tell you how many times I have been pantsed! 

There was a time that I thought that I would never find someone that made me feel complete.  As far as I was concerned my son was going to be the only man in my life.  My three kids were all I needed and no man was going to live up to my standards so why even try.  Sure, I went out on dates, but no matter how successful or how cute they were, I wanted nothing to do with them.  I had been burned too bad by my marriage to even think about entering into another relationship.  Then he came along.  Here I was minding my own business trying to make in on my own in the cold of Wisconsin and along comes this random guy that perhaps I could be interested in.  When we first started talking I knew we were going to be great friends.  I was even willing to forgive him for being an Eagles AND a Phillies fan.  It wasn't until the first date that I knew this one was going to be different.  For starter's I actually wanted to see him again and that had not happened in years.  The rest is history...  Our history. 

Then there is our future -

What does the future bring?   I have no clue.  He is leaving not because he wants to, but because he has to.  That is the life of an Army Officer.  I knew this going to happen and I should have been more prepared for it.  I don't know if you really can though.  Now the question is what to do next.  I want to stay with him, but circumstances are keeping me here.  I don't know when I will be able to follow him or if I will even be able to at all.  I know he wants me there and he is always telling me that it is going to be alright and that the separation is not going to be very long, but I am a realist and I know better.  Okay so maybe it is the scared little girl in me that is preparing for the worst to prevent the pain from being completely unbearable.  I want nothing more than to be with him. 

For now I am just trying to enjoy this last bit of time that I have with him and make sure that every moment counts.  This time next week I will be by myself again.

updates updates....

As usual I have found myself too busy to keep up with this blog.  It's too bad really because I always find myself in a better place once I have typed out what is swimming around in this crazy head of mine.  So let's see where to start...

The kids went to stay with their dad for three weeks which was absolute heaven!  They seem to have had a good time and that is all that really matters in the end.  While they were gone, myself and Mr. Big had some ups and downs of our own.  We were able to have some real quality time of our own and he took me to Chicago for my birthday.  It was while we were there that we got the news that his dad passed away.  Off to Philly for a week...   It was hard, but at the same time it was good for him to be surrounded by people that he loves and love him in return.

So now for the stuff that keeps me up at night:

I don't know how to tell him, but I am starting to think that moving to South Carolina with him is not such a good idea.  He said something to me the other night and while it should have made me go "awww...", instead it made me go "hmmm..."   Ok, so what did he say?  He said that he looks at us as his little family.  It means a lot to me that he would look at my children with love and consider us that tight of a unit to consider us a family.  HOWEVER, this can only lead me to one cliche - Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  There needs to be a line drawn in the sand that he has to cross in order to call us his family.  The problem lies in how do I tell him?  Let's take this very moment for instance, I feel like I should call or text him that he should stay home for the rest of the week so that we can have some time apart, but I don't even know how to start that conversation.  I don't want him to think that there is anything wrong, but in all actuality there is.  Is it that I am feeling rushed or that I am trying to push him away so that I don't get hurt.  I have never known love like this, that is one thing that I am sure of.  It's funny because I am consistently losing my train of thought as I keep leaning back and letting my mind wander on this situation.  I have to admit that at the end of every thought process lies the same result - me telling him good bye.

Things moved quickly and I wasn't ready for all this.  All these emotions are too much for my still damaged soul to take.  I am forever riding the roller coaster, getting to high very slowly, click by click and then barreling down into the lows at speeds to fast to measure.  My emotions can't handle the abuse much longer.  A clean break is what I need.  I know that's not going to happen.  Whether we say good bye simply because he is leaving for South Carolina or we say good bye because I have decided that I want off the ride, it's going to be hard.  The stupid part is, I don't want to say good bye at all!  I want things to stay just how they are so that all the pressure would be lifted.  I want to feel free with him.  No timelines, no expectations, just the two of us having a wonderful relationship that is allowed to grow in it's own time.