walls

I find myself back in the same place that I started.  I thought I was ready, but life has different plans for me.  Walls had been removed and the few that were left were low enough for someone to reach over and hold my hand.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I thought that I was successful at it.  Not so much....
If there is one thing my life experiences have taught me, it is to know the difference between what I can control and what I can't.  I have also learned that there are things that you can ask other people to change, but there are also those times when frustrations and dissappointments are brought on by your own accord.  I have grown into my own inadequacies and accepted them for what they are.  I was under the impression that I was beyond most of my damaged self worth, however after recent events I have come to the conclusion that I am not. 
How I react to things is a direct reflection of my own life experiences and I honestly can't expect anyone to accomodate or work around them.  My negative responses to what might seem to outsiders like "small potatoes" are something that I personally have to work on and trudge through.  "Trudge".  That is the closest I can come to explaining exactly what it is like for me when things like this happen.  Conversations and events become clouded with feelings of doubt and insecurity.  Am I saying the right thing?  Did I ask the right questions?  Should I have said more???  Most importantly, was he listening?...   I begin to feel like I am wading chest deep the muck that is my emotions and getting no where but deeper and dirtier. 
Is any of this his fault?  Perhaps.  Perhaps not.  I go round and round in my over-processed thoughts and irrational reasonings.  Reflecting, I am almost certain I should have been more forthcoming, but it is too late now.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.  This attitude is also a downfall of mine.  Instead of dealing with the situation that is causing me pain, I would rather ignore it.  Once I feel like I have sufficiently put it out of my brain, the next illogical step is to find everything I can wrong with him.  This facilitates the final push of hating him.  You see, if I hate him then I can't like him and therefore I do not get hurt.  Luckily (or unluckily- depending on how you really want to look at it) this series of steps takes very minimal time.  I have perfected it to less than a week.  In other words if I decide today that I am going to move on, by Friday it will be over.  In all actuality I will be done by Monday, he will probably just not be fully aware of my decision until Friday.  A little harsh and without thinking, I know.  Let's remember though that it is the over analyzation of the situation that got me here in the first place.  At this point in time I would look at it like a band-aid - just rip it off.
While all of this might seem a bit nuts, and I am quite sure that it is; this is me.  This is who I am now.  Would I like to change?  Of course I would.  I would like to be able to deal with let-downs and dissappointments like a normal human being.  I am working on it, not very successfully at the moment, but I am working on it.  I wish I could work on it a little bit faster so that I don't push him away.  He is tremendously good to me and everyday that goes by I find myself falling a little farther into his arms.  That being said I am well aware that my coping skills could use some revamping but for now I think I will just put some of those dependable walls back up.

back in the swing of things

So the kids dad left on Sunday.  It was a bittersweet morning for me.  I was so excited and super glad to have the kids back, but at the same time sad to leave the comfy house I was in. 

The short time I had with a man worthy of mentioning in my blog was wonderful.  I was able to relax and unwind while cuddling on the couch and getting closer to him.  We were able to go out on a real date which is completely foreign to me at this point.  I have to say that all in all it was quite an amazing week.

When I picked up the kids they were very excited to see me!  It makes me feel good that they know I am doing my best with them and not having me around for even a short time reminds them of that.  Nobody wanted to get out to give him a hug (they all said it was too cold) and nobody cried.  Not even Victoria.  Our first day back at our house together was super!  They were so well behaved and helpful!  Maybe I should go away more often?  They have been eating like they did not eat the whole time I was gone.  I am sure that they must have eaten, but perhaps it was more snacks than anything.  A little home cooking and they are cleaning their plates... 

Today was back to school and that produced a mountain of homework since they missed a week of school.  We trudged thru some of it, but with a due date of next Monday, I didn't want to overwhelm them.  Again today they were all so well behaved, it is almost like aliens have taken over their bodies.  Maybe it is me having more patience for them?  I think it is maybe a combination of me getting some much needed R&R and them seeing what life would be like without me.    Puts things back into perspective for all of us. 

Of course their dad was crying when he left.  This does not affect me much anymore.  I don't so much feel bad for him at all.  In fact, I felt so little emotion I asked him for the money that he said he was going to give me.  Of course he said he was going to transfer it when he landed.  Of course he didn't.  Of course I shot off a detailed email of what he owes me for co-pays.  Of course he had no response and said he would reply to my email tonight.  Of course he is putting it off again.  I am going to wait and see what his reply is and then take it from there.  I just can't be nice about it anymore.  The current bill is over 1200 dollars.  So I am guessing that you can feel my frustration...

Anyway onward and upward!  My kids love me and now appreciate me - so for now all is good here in chilly Wisconsin.